the senior drag

You've been there. The place in your life where you've just run completely out of gas. Well, I'm here in any case and I really don't like where I am at all. I completely suck at school this semester. Missing more classes than attending, procrastinating until there's no other option but to stay up all night or fail, half-assing research projects I normally would be thrilled about doing, etc. I've been terrible. Now I'm coming up on deadlines for Independent Study classes, end of semester projects, and stuff like that at a time that coincides with a time where I have no money, no energy, no health, no time and no other options but to push, push, push. There isn't anyone else out there that can help me. My parents are at odds with each other. Every week or so I get a call from one of them berating, hating, making plans to leave the other. Every month or so I attempt to mentally prepare myself for their divorce after what...26+ years of marriage. Every few months I loan my rent money to one of them so that they can get buy, pay off bills, while I scramble to survive.

This semester is terrible and I haven't been able to say any of this to any of my professors because I think it sounds like whining and I'll be damned if I'm a baby. The thing is, I'm not sure if I'm going to make it through the last month and a half of school. It's just so hard and I know I don't even have it as bad as some people, but I'm barely scraping by. I have medical bills, maxed out credit cards, bill collectors on my tail and no goddamn bailout plan. Really the only third job I have time for is donating plasma up in Moscow for 30 bucks a pop...but by being sick I can't donate and as soon as I start to feel a little better I go in, donate what I should keep to myself so I can heal, and the process of Julie's idiotic but desperate winter sickness begins.

So, I guess from all this, you could say I'm in a bit of a rut. I'm trying to get out of debt by looking for a third job, attempting to get healthy, and making adventitious goals for school work especially during Thanksgiving break, but I just want it to stop. I just want a break so I can get ahead while everything else just slows down.

Well, whatever. Dare to dream, right?

In any case this is my effort to let anyone and everyone know where I am in the world, even if it's not that great of a place to be. If I make it through this I'm starting a motion for movement. Out of town, out of state, out of comfort zones, out of the country. I plan on packing up and leaving. Growing up and blowing away.